Thought Of The Day: that's the funny thing about romance. if you had to ask for it, it takes away all the romance.

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Friday, November 14, 2003

'in between'

i completely blew the interview. it was all going so well until the cheif editor asked me one question...and i completely blew it. oh well...better luck next time. they're still going to consider my application but as far as i'm concerned i blew it. if i were the editor i wouldn't hire me. he did have some nice things to say about my writings though. which got me to thinking that maybe i don't suck at it after all. i just think that the stuff i write about is a bit perverse and it might not be suited for malaysian readers.

i really wanna get a laptop. i'm hoping my mom would contribute some money into the 'buy me a laptop' fund but i'm seriously not keeping my hopes up. the last time i asked her for one she gave me the 'grunt'. then again..she does that 'grunt' everytime i ask for something...and sometimes i'd eventually get it. so maybe i'll give it a shot...who knows...i might get lucky.

i'm such a spoilt brat. i know i am...but i know that i'm self sufficient and independent too :) it's nice to be a mix of both. i support myself financially and emotionally and if things get bumpy i know my mom will always be there for monetary support and my friends will be there to keep my mental health in tact.

the other day i was talking to a friend and he asked me whether i was seeing anyone and when i said no...he gave me the 'face'. i find it insulting and offensive. i don't like to be given the 'pity' face. i am single...and i'm not shy to admit that. i am also single by choice....but at the same time i am also aware that i might not exactly be the greatest person or the prettiest of people so my choices are limited...that's if i even have choices. and it doesn't bug me. what's the worst that could happen?

i just don't understand why some people find it so important to be attached. is it loneliness? is it the need for companionship? is it a craving for attention? or is it just because everyone else is in a relationship? don't get me wrong...peer pressure is definitely one reason why a lot of people get into the wrong relationships...but like i said...'wrong' relationships. i don't need to be in a relationship to have affirmation that i'm worthy. i don't need to be with somebody to fill up the emptiness in my life. there are so many other things out there that can fill up the gap such as friends...work...hobbies...family...etc.

then it suddenly hit me...it wasn't the 'pity' face that i was upset at. it's the 'what's wrong with you' face that followed that really got to me. people generally assume that there must be a reason why a person is single. something must be wrong with them physically or mentally. he/she might have 6 toes or an obsessive compulsive behaviour. single people are freaks...
that's why they're single. that's the only explanation isn't it?

i guess everyone has a little freakiness in them and that is what makes a relationship interesting. i can't be bothered to be in a monotonous relationship where everything is the same day in and day out. i need adventure..i need spontanaeity...i need passion and romance..i need to not know what's going to happen next. maybe that's the freak in me.

but the question is...even with all that romance and passion and adventure...would it be enough?