Wednesday, November 05, 2003
no judgement
is there anything about you that you hide from others for fear of being judged?as much as i'd like to believe i'm open and honest with all my friends i know that there are certain things that i keep to myself because i'm afraid that people (even my close friends) would think of my differently. it could be something small...it could be something big...but the fact remains that i'm still hiding things from people. i suddenly realized it when i was talking to a friend and he asked me a 'yes' or 'no' question and i lied. i didn't think about the answer. i just flat out lied in his face. this led me to dissect the situation. to try and figure out why i lied.
everyone has a fear of not being accepted. nobody wants to be known as the weirdo or the one with issues. so what do we do? we adapt. we constantly try and change ourselves to adapt to situations. hence...we lie about something if it's out of the norm. nobody at 25 (or at least no one i know) will admit that they're a virgin. even now when gays and lesbians are rampant...some will try and hide their sexuality for fear of being shunned. i deny ever being with this idiot i went out with for almost a year. why? mainly because it was a mistake and i'd like to erase him out of my memory and cross him off my list of ex's but it's also partly because i don't want to admit it....i fear that people would judge me. it could be something big like your past criminal record...it could be something as small as lying about where you were last night or who you went out with. bottom line...we're afraid.
why are we so scared? basically we want to fit in. fit into where? fit into the norm i suppose. but what is the norm? who sets the norm? i believe that in every clique...in every little society...there is an opinion leader. and i'm not talking along the lines of a president or a prime minister. go back to the days of high school....trace back all the people you used to hang out with. now...there will usually be one or two people who stand out in the group. these people are the opinion leaders. they're usually the one that influences everyone else and they're usually known as the popular ones. not only do they influence other in terms of wardrobe and accessories but they also influence they're thoughts and opinions. if the opinion leaders thought that someone was not cool enough to hang out with them...the rest of the group would probably agree without even getting to know that person before hand.
when did we become so jaded that we forgot about the 'self'? i know for a fact that i have a lot of secrets. sometimes i wonder whether it's because i'm afraid or because i prefer to be unpredictable. i like being a mystery...but with certain friends i already am an open book. even then i find myself having difficultly sharing certain thoughts and certain experiences with them. someday i hope i can be open and honest enough with my friends to reveal them. but until then...i choose to be 'not so me'.
feefs, 3:55 PM
