Thought Of The Day: that's the funny thing about romance. if you had to ask for it, it takes away all the romance.

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Tuesday, January 06, 2004

back to school

gosh...it's already 2004. damn i'm getting old. the new school year has started and that only means one thing for me....back to work. i hate long holidays which is one of the cons of working for a school. the school term break is longer than it should be and after such a relaxing 2 weeks it's not easy to go back to work. having a 3 or 4 day weekend is one thing but having a 2 week break from work is another. my mind is still on holiday mood and my body is still on 'sleep-at-8am' mode.

i've been thinking a lot about the new year and work. i was thinking about changing my career path with the new year and all. new year...new beginnings...blah blah. a part of me wants to leave this whole teaching thing but another part of me wants to stay for the kids. somewhere along the way i think i've grown attached to them. one student asked me today whether i'll still be around to teach them when they're grade 5 and i had no idea what to say. i have been thinking about leaving but when i'm with the kids i feel like i've got the greatest job in the world. oh well...i guess i'll stick to it for the time being until i really figure out what's my passion in life.

its' been awhile since i last posted. probably due to the fact that i've been gambling a whole lot. i've gotten a preview of the coming chinese new year and i can see a lot of $$$$ signs. money comes in...money goes out...win some...lose some. all this gambling made me wonder why we still do it even though we are aware of the risks. i believe that we should only gamble what we are ready to lose but these few days have taught me that sometimes we tend to lose sight of what we have and we end up losing what we don't have as well. all because there is the possibility that we might win.

then it got me to thinking....aren't we all in some weird and twisted way just gambling with our hearts? we search for love and when we find it...we give it everything we got. there are risks but we still insist on placing a bet in hopes that we might actually find ourselves being truly happy. people go in and out of relationships with broken hearts and lessons learned and after losing the game so many times they still insist on going back for more. is it really worth it?

someone once told me that lost love is never lost. everything that we've shared when we were together is special. each experience and every emotion that we once felt was shaped by our love for one another and that is never lost. it remains in our memories and no mortal soul can take that away from us. initially...i thought it was cheesy. i thought that memories and experiences only made things worse because it haunts you. one minute we can think that we're happy and the next minute we pinpoint a time in our lives where we were happier. but i figured there's no way of erasing memories. we can only embrace them. we can only accept them and say 'hey...at least it was worth it'.

so is it really worth it...to gamble with our hearts? i don't know. at times i feel it might be but there are other times where i just ask myself why people bother when they're eventually going to get hurt. and just like a game of blackjack...the answer is the same. there is a possibility that we might actually....oh no...god forbid........................win.