Monday, January 19, 2004
nostalgia
my brother is back for the new years. that would probably explain my absence over the past few days. it's been nice having him around and although the whole family (including my man whore dad) spent most of the weekend together i found myself feeling out of place one too many times. i'm the youngest in the family (unless you take into account the many children that my dad has out of marriage) but i feel like i'm the big sister. whenever my brother needs something or wants to go somewhere he would come to me for help. if he needs to buy something i'll probably know someone who can get it for him or if he needs to go somewhere he'll probably come to me for directions. same goes for my parents and my elder brother as well.i had a conversation with my brothers and we've come to the conclusion that if any of us were adopted it would have to have been me. i don't look anything like my parents or brothers and i don't act anything like them. we do have some similarities but it's sort of here and there. my mom and my brother loves word games and so do i. my dad has a gambling disorder and so do i. my elder brother is cynical and so am i. but then again...if i were to be given the privilege to go back in time and choose my parents all over again (as if we had a choice in the first place) i'd probably stick to the ones i have now. they've always been supportive and they've always allowed me to do the things i've wanted to do. i wouldn't want to have parents who insist that i become a doctor even though i squirm at the very sight of blood or a lawyer even though i'm mute. and i guess they've always been less bothersome than some parents that i've seen. sometimes i wonder whether they even know i'm still alive but i guess in some ways i do appreciate the freedom that they've given me. they've allowed me to choose my own path in life and learn from the mistakes i've made.
but then again...i probably didn't turn out as they expected. i'm pretty sure i'm capable of so much more but heck i'm lazy. i'm not performing at my full potential and i don't know if i ever will. maybe it's because i'm scared to find out what it would be like. i don't want to stress myself out and try so hard to be the best i can be and suddenly realize that it's not what i expected it to be. recently....my parents have been hinting to me that i'm a slacker though. i don't work enough hours...i could be earning more money....blah blah. but heck it...i've been independent for a long time and i haven't exactly been taking money from them in 3 years. i'm also the youngest in the family but i'm the first one to start work and live off my own income. i believe i deserve some slack.
feefs, 5:18 PM
