Thursday, January 08, 2004
stuck in the moment...and i can't get out of it
you've got to get yourself together you are stuck in the moment...and you can't get out of it....i wonder whether the members of U2 had the same problem as me. recently i've found myself stuck in a funk. i've imbedded myself into this comfort zone for a very long time and i can't seem to find a way out. actually...to be honest...i don't think i want to find a way out.
let's take a look at my life 4 years back....
- dropped out of numerous colleges
- unemployed and broke
- did not own my own car and had to share with family
- dated the biggest prick on earth
- did not have a good relationship with my parents and family
- had no direction...no real thoughts of my own
now let's take a look at my life 2 years back....
- found a job teaching kids
- purchased my own car
- patched things up with my parents and started fulfilling my filial responsibilities
- started paying my own bills
- met the love of my life
- found my direction and passion in life
now let's take a look at my life now....
- still teaching kids (which i'm thinking twice about as i've mentioned but have yet found the heart to leave)
- still driving my own beat up waja (which is fine by me cause it serves its purpose)
- parents are seperated but my relationship with my mom has been much better since
- still paying my own bills but now there's more of them
- lost the love of my life
- am slowly but surely trying to tap into my hidden skills (i think i have none but i am told otherwise)
- am now a compulsive gambler
- have found my own identity (finally)
- comfortable and content with the way things are going
i don't know which part is better but 4 years ago would be what i call my dark ages. the time when i was blinded by a whole lot of things. that would explain why i went out with the biggest prick in the world (not literally the biggest prick *hint hint*). anyway...after the whole dark ages thing i found the love of my life. those were fun times and i must admit i did learn a whole lot during the course of the two years that i was with him. i'm still learning a lot from our relationship and the 'lack' of it right now. things today are slightly different. i'm still trying to adjust to being alone again (although we did break up more than a year ago) but we grew very close and shared a whole lot together so it takes a bit of time to adjust. i'm not very good with changes you see.
anyway...things now are picking up. i enjoy my job although i have this urge to quit and venture out into the unknown with nothing but my music credentials and my pathetic SPM results. my friends are always there for me and we have fun on a regular basis. seeing them smile makes me smile and their laughter is contagious. i've also realized that sometimes it's good to spend time alone just doing nothing. drowned in my own thoughts...reading books....watching the lame ass tv shows that i so love to watch just so i can criticise it the next day...doing crossword puzzles....blah. i've managed to balance between myself and my friends and my work and family. i am i guess...content. i can't say i'm happy cause i remember a time where i was happier but during that time...circumstances were different. there was a time where i could just stop and say..."wait...i'm happy". now i'm stopping and saying..."wait...i'm content".
so what is the problem? the problem is that i'm stuck in this place. afraid to leave because i'm afraid that i might not go to a better place. if i quit my job i might not be able to find another one. and even if i do find another job i might not like it as much as my current one. i might not be able to wake up at 9am. i might not earn as much as i do now. i might not be able to stay out late anymore. if i slept on a regular basis during twilight then i might not be as productive as i am in the afternoons as i am in the wee hours of the morning. if i changed my habits...the places where i hangout...the people whom i mix with...i might not be as content as i am right now. i'm stuck in this comfort zone. a place where i know i am content...i am fulfilled...i am satisfied and i just don't know whether i want to move.
you know how we all basically know what's good and what's bad for us but we still refuse to change our bad habits because we're afraid. we don't change until something knocks us in the head and says "or else". we need ultimatums to move. i wouldn't have started working if my mom didn't say "or else". i wouldn't pay my maxis bills if they didn't bar my phone everytime i exceed the credit limit. i wouldn't pump petrol if the warning sign doesn't come on. why do we insist of going on this road of irresponsibility and indifference when we have to eventually change. i used to just tell myself..."i'm only 19...what do i have to lose?" but now i'm 22 and thing still haven't changed. i'm afraid i might find myself telling myself the exact same thing when i'm 30 (that's my *scary age).
things have become so routine. i used to like the monotony of it all. i'd buy the paper from the same stall everyday. i pumped petrol at the same station whenever there is a need to. i'd yum cha at the same mamaks. eat at the same restaurants (i still do by the way). buy my shampoo and toiletries from the same pharmacy. but somewhere along the way i found myself changing. i started taking risks. taking different routes to get to my destination. buying my groceries from a different market. using a different brand of shampoo. buying the paper at the first place i see it. using a different brand of petrol. i even managed to change my whole wardrobe in the course of the past 6 months. i know these aren't exactly big changes but i'm working in baby steps.
hopefully...i'll get to a place where i can stop and say...."wait...i'm happy now". but you know what...all good things come to an end. emotions and our state of mind is transient. nothing lasts forever....or does it?
*scary age is the age where i expect myself to be satisfied and confident about what i'm doing in life and ultimately satisfied
feefs, 8:38 PM
