Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind

Thought Of The Day: that's the funny thing about romance. if you had to ask for it, it takes away all the romance.

archive
current
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
December 2004
January 2005

Saturday, February 28, 2004

i need help

didn't get much sleep earlier this morning which would explain why i woke up late for work. my alarm clock seemed to have dieded on me and with such bad timing. so i went to work 20 minutes late hoping that my tardiness would go unnoticed and when i got there...there was no one in my studio. i figured that maybe they were tired of waiting for me and just picked up and left but it turns out that they never did show up so i guess things did turn out for the best after all. my next student came and i felt like i was going to just nod off right there in my chair. i had a grand total of 3 hours of sleep over 48 hours and if you all know me well enough you'd know that it's normal.

my mother gave one long winded lecture about how my life seems to be headed nowhere and she's right. i don't sleep...i don't eat...i go to work with a chip on my shoulder...i spend most of my time reading and watching crap...it's no wonder she thinks i'm a no hoper. anyway...as with all her lectures it just went in one ear and came out the other. what i don't understand is why she still insists on doing it when she knows i'll never listen. she's talking to me and i'm reading the papers and when she asks me questions i never answer but she still goes on and on and on. she knows for a fact that i'm not paying attention...i'm hearing but i'm not listening. i'd slap someone if he/she didn't pay attention to me when i'm talking. maybe she should slap me...then i'd really take her seriously. oh well...i guess mothers will always be mothers...and daughters will always be daughters. i should take her more seriously but heck...that'll take the fun out of being a rebellious kid. i wonder whether she takes any pleasure in nagging?

high of the day as of 8.05pm: not knowing what's going to happen next.

low of the day: oversleeping

Friday, February 27, 2004

princess consuela bananahammock

ok so i've finally scheduled a meeting with my future potential boss in singapore. he's been bugging me to travel south cause he wants to hear me play so it's actually kinda like an audition more than an interview. i'm pretty confident that i'll land the job. i got it 4 years ago...i doubt it's changed much. he's already asked me to make lodging arrangements and to bring all necessary documents so that he can apply for the work permit. so i guess i'm one step closer to working in singapore.

question is...do i really wanna go? i have yet to answer that. i figured i'll just go for the audition/interview and see what happens then. i've got nothing to lose by going for it i suppose but i'm not about to start looking for places to stay and stuff. prior to this i was trying to ignore the idea of it all and i just kept telling him that i wasn't free but in actual fact i was just scared. then i figured i'll just go down there and wing it. tried playing a couple of tunes just now and i realized that i've completely lost my ability to play a decent tune. the lack of practice and the lack of initiative killed it. i realized that i have not played an entire song properly in 4 years. i guess it's time to buck up.

on a brighter note....i broke my 1 week mahjong free streak. played today for almost 7 hours. after 3 hours of playing i just wanted it to end but i couldn't call it quits cause i wasn't the one who's losing. my friend who was losing was trying to make a comeback and hopefully break even but after another 4 hours i ended up winning even more money. oh well...today was a good day for mahjong....for me that is.

high of the day: princess consuela bananahammock

low of the day: that excruciating headache i had this morning

Thursday, February 26, 2004

tv show extravaganza

reality tv started off with survivor. then there was big brother...amazing race...temptation island...joe millionaire...and the list the keeps getting longer and longer. voyuerism has lost its novelty. the latest show that i watched was 'for love or money'....which i have to say resembled joe millionaire. but this show had more catches than any other i've seen. 15 girls were brought to a house under the pretense that they might meet the guy of their dreams and later on they're told that he comes with a million dollars. a few days (or was it weeks) later they're told that he doesn't come with the cash and that it was an either or situation. the guy is aware about all this but has to pretend that he has no idea. hrm...love or money? i'd personally pick the money cause i'm a gold-digger. apparently the girl that rob (that's the name of the guy in the show) chose felt the same way...but heck...to go on national tv and take the money...she's really got balls. it's a tv show anyway lah....i think it's all pre-planned.

but i think all this shows that has something to do with either love or money is complete bullshit. the idea that a person can actually find love on a tv show just seems a bit too far fetched for me. how honest and sincere can two people be when they're followed by a tv crew 24 hours a day? every move and every word is recorded. i don't buy the whole thing. what ever happened to joe millionaire? so yeah...zora picks him even though he earns 19k a year and do they live happily ever after? i don't anyone cares anyway....the network is just out to make money...the viewers are just in it to see whether she accepts him as a 'has been' g-string model who earns 19k a year as a construction worker who enjoys moving dirt. nobody cares what happens to them after the show is over. well...i personally would like to know whether things worked out for them...i don't really care....i'm just curious to know whether the whole joe millionaire thing made a difference.

but there's this one show that got my attention....shattered. they stick a bunch of people in a complex and the object of the game is not to fall asleep for seven days and the winner gets 97k....an odd number but still a whole lot of money for 7 days work. the interesting part about this show is that the participants have to complete tasks, challenges and tests. from what i've read....they've got stuff like watching paint dry...playing tennis to test reaction, speed and hand/eye coordination...bed time stories and night school with music lessons. sounds interesting...too bad it's over and we don't get it on astro.

anyway....i managed to catch some of them american idols in action. i must say they're pretty impressive. what i don't understand is why they go through the hassle and embarassment when some of them can clearly get a contract without having to go on the show. some of them are really talented...those who aren't probably got kicked out already. and that simon guy can really cut like a knife. he'c cocky...he's brutally honest...and he's got an accent. but to be honest...it's fun to watch him cause he's always got something to say and they're usually not very nice things. can't wait for next week's episode....did i just say that out loud? i'm a tv junkie...woohooo!!!

high of the day: that chilled can of lychee i have in the fridge which i am going to wallop as soon as i finish this post.

low of the day: the incessant rain in the afternoon that caused my roof to leak.

feefs, 12:25 PM

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

you're mad....mad i tell you!

i've officially gone mad. it's almost 5 in the morning and i'm cleaning my room. here's how my night went. i came back from work...made myself a tuna mayo and cheese sandwich and watched bits and pieces of 'mad dog and glory'. went out for supper with my friends...came back and watched 'apocalypse now' which by the way is 3+ hours long. i must say that martin sheen was really thin in his younger days and he had very well defined cheekbones. he sorta resembled both his sons (charlie and emilio) put together. anyway...back to my 'mad mad' story. i ate a whole can of lychee and a whole bar of cadbury chocolate while watching apocalypse now. that show is one mad mad show. ooh...laurence fishburne must've been like in his teens when he did that show cause i didn't recognize him at all. harrison ford...marlon brando...robert duvall...dennis hopper...they were all soooo young. one thing the movie managed to convey was that war makes a person mad....mad i tell you!!!

high of the day: that chilled can of lychee

low of the day: the heavy rain in the afternoon

hilang dalam translasi

finally managed to catch lost in translation on vcd. surprisingly it was a very clear copy...almost dvd-like. i'm still trying to digest the whole movie. it was very surreal...almost like they were in a dream-like state...lots of intentionl silences...prolonged shots on nothing in particular...one of those art house type films....at least that's what i think. contrary to popular belief i think the plot was very straight forward....yes there's this young married girl and an aging man who's in the midst of a mid life crises and they meet in japan. it's how you interpret these 2 people and their actions that make the movie confusing. well....nonetheless...i believe the movie had a well executed ending...one that gives us closure as to what happens between the two of them.

ooh...i managed to catch 21 grams on dvd as well. interesting movie...one that isn't straight forward. there's something about the structure of this movie that reminds me of memento. it goes back and forth between past and present and because of that i'm not sure i can fully grasp the entire movie. other than that i think the movie had a great script an A list cast to go with it. some of the scenes that were done by naomi watts and benicio were riveting.

i also watched elephant a few days ago. many people would think it's a documentary on endangered animals but it isn't. it's actually a very simple and honest film....not one that takes a lot of thinking. it basically tells the story of a high school shooting. what's interesting about this movie is the characters. they all seem so familiar...probably because they're in every high school. and although what happens seems a bit extreme...it's actually not. it's happened before...and i'd like to believe that it won't happen again but i'd just be in denial.

you know what...i watch too much tv. gimme another week and i'll review another 5 movies :)

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

it's finally over

sex and the city has officially ended its 6 year run. i'm not about to spoil it for those who haven't seen the season finale so i'm not going to mention anything about it. i've been following these 4 women (yes i know they're just fictional) for about 4 years now and although i know it's just a tv show...i'm kinda sad that it's ended. this seems to be the year to which all great tv shows end. friends will also be ending it's 10 year run this year....and i have a feeling it's going to be more upsetting than sex and the city cause i've been following that for about 8 years now. i've seen them turn from bad editing...terrible hair cuts and bad outfits into something really great. oh well...i guess it's time for me to find something else to follow.

spent most of the day at home today...except for the 3 hours that i spent at the office. ended up playing mahjong with my mom and my bro. playing mahjong for us is sort of like our bonding time. my mom took back my car from the workshop today and she managed to scratch it within 15 minutes of leaving the shop so it's going back into the shop tomorrow. the funny thing about the whole incident is that she can laugh about it but when i am the one doing the scratching she gets all pissy and starts blaming me for being wreckless and unattentive. she gets to blame the wall for being there. oh well...at least she's paying for my car's second visit to the workshop.

dislocated my finger yesterday...i think it was yesterday...but my days are all so screwed up i can't even remember when it happened. i managed to stick my finger between the door...by accident. typing isn't exactly the easiest thing to do right now....neither is teaching. i was trying to play a song today and i completely screwed up. it doesn't hurt at all so i think i'll attempt to remove the bandage tomorrow. so anyway..it's been a slow day...that explains the boring post.

high of the day...winning 50 bucks from my mom.

low of the day...right now...hungry and unsatisfied.

feefs, 11:39 AM

Sunday, February 22, 2004

ikan besar

as usual i woke up at 5pm today and missed a lunch appointment with my mother....so disappointed in myself. i haven't had a proper meal with my mom in almost a month. i'll probably do it sometime soon though...i think she feels as if she's already lost me. but she knows that i'll be here if she ever needs me and vice versa. she offered to help me fix my car cause it was erm...damaged due to some idiot who hit it and didn't leave a note. i parked my car in the basement carpark at my office and when i came back down it was dented so i'm assuming the guy who parked next to me is an idiot. so my car will be in the workshop as of tomorrow. thanks mom!!!!

anyway...i ended up veg-ing out in front of the tv (which by the way is one of my favourite past times) and i watched a movie entitled big fish. it's doing really well in the States but apparently most of the people i know has yet to hear about it. it took me awhile to digest the whole movie but after all the pondering i figured i liked it more than i thought i would. when i first heard about the movie i thought it was made for kids...some spy kids kinda show but it wasn't at all. it's more of an inspirational drama/comedy and it kinda reminded me of forrest gump.

went to watch cold mountain sometime last week. i must say that jude law is definitely not worthy of the Oscar this year with a performance like that. but heck...i had a whole lot of opinions on who should win last year and the year before that but none of my predictions were right. seems as if the academy is not about the performances or the movies anymore...it's more about the politics. they had that whole african american thing when denzel and halle won for best lead roles...then before that there was that international movie by roberto benigni that won best motion picture...and the list goes on. i used to enjoy following the oscars up until the year that beautiful mind won for best picture.

i have to say that i have some weird taste in movies. i like to watch a lot of independent films and most of my favourite films aren't those that have won accolades from the general public. most of them are unknown to the mainstream viewers. but then again...i have weird taste in a whole lot of other things....clothes...music...food. i guess my parents really screwed me up for life.

high of the day....that first ciggarette i smoked at precisely 5.07pm.

low of the day...bidding farewell to a friend who's leaving for melbourne tomorrow night.

feefs, 12:54 PM

Saturday, February 21, 2004

conversations in my head/ode to my friends

since this blog is entitled 'confessions of a dangerous mind' i shall make my first confession. i had a discussion with a friend recently about the above mentioned. i used to think i had a few loose screws in my head but now i think i'm not that mental after all. i've been having some trouble making some major decisions lately and honestly i'm nowhere near making a choice. so what i do is i have conversations with myself....in my head. i'd ask myself questions...and i'd answer them. it's just as if i'm talking to someone else. and i'd run the questions over and over again and i'll end up doing the 'what if' scenarios. but i realize that eventually it'll get me nowhere...i only get more confused because there's more to think about...more realizations that i have to take into account...i have to figure out whether my actions will have any major repercussions and how it will affect the people surrounding me as well. most of all...i have to try to figure out how it will affect me but i guess i will never know until i decide. everyone around me is telling me to go...they believe that it is a good opportunity and that the change of environment might do me some good. i believe it is as well...but this is my home. it's the only place i know...my family and friends are here...i'm familiar with it...i've never been anywhere else for more than a month. once again...i'm scared...oh well...no point repeating myself over and over again.

anyway...met up with a friend that i haven't seen in 3 months today. he brought up a very good point....i'm married to my friends. the reason why i don't see him often is because i'm too busy with my 'everyday friends'. yes i have them all in categories. there's the 'everyday friends' which i hang out with most often. this bunch of friends are the people i see and talk to almost everyday for the past 6 years or so (except for the time where i mysteriously disappeared for about a year). we have so much history together and we share many experiences and adventures. there's the 'once in awhile friends' who i still keep in touch with via phone/email/sms but rarely see. there's the 'half past six friends' and those are the ones i see more often than the 'once in awhile friends' but i don't know them as well...or should i say i never really bothered to get to know them. i know it's not nice to categorize friends based on the different levels of friendship but i'm not a nice person anyway.

i guess there are certain friends i have that i know will stay with me for a long long time to come. those that will be there for me regardless of what happens in the future or happened in the past. and although i don't confide in them cause i'm just not that kinda person...they will know when i'm up or when i'm down...they will support my decisions and stand by me...and they know that they can count on me too if they ever need me. my 'once in awhile friends' are mostly people whom i've known for a long time but just that we've drifted apart due to different interests...work...or studying abroad. we still keep in contact and we still know what's going on because we do have mutual friends and we can count on each other as well but there will always be a barrier. the 'half past six friends' are just people that are around...people that i don't really care about or i don't really notice but they're just there. it's not that i hate them or that i have some negative feelings towards them...it's just that i never really bothered to get to know them.

i guess that's why i am labelled as antisocial. it's not easy to get a person like me to talk to a stranger. it's not easy for a person like me to get to know someone. first of all...the person must attract my attention by using his intelligence/intellect/wit. i don't like boring people and for me...if a person can't hold a decent conversation it would be the end of the conversation. it's no surprise that i come off as bitchy or stuck up....i've been told that many times. i have to be able to click with someone to cultivate a friendship. there has to be a level of understanding and there definitely as to be some common interest....not a lot but at least some. but it's been said that we can't choose our friends...our friends choose us. we might want someone to be our friend but it's a matter of whether the other person reciprocates that determines whether we really become friends. and with my kind of attitude...it's no wonder that i don't have many friends and that i only stick to the ones that i have. but i have to admit that there are certain people that i'd like to have kept in touch with but didn't...probably because i messed up somewhere along the way. i do piss people off quite often with my erm...slightly skewed beliefs and my very direct opinions.

but i love my friends...we're a very eclectic group. you guys are the reason why it's so hard for me to decide whether i should stay or go. but heck....eventually i have to make a choice and i guess i have to be mature enough to do what's best for me. i wish i could have the best of both worlds. you guys must be reading this and wondering what category you fall into. this post was supposed to be about the conversations i have in my head but i think i sidetracked somewhere and it became an 'ode to my friends'. so if you're wondering what kind of conversation i'm having in my head right now...here's the gist of it...

to all my friends out there...thank you for being there for me and understanding me. i know i am bitchy and obnoxious all the time and sometimes it can be humourous but most of the time i know i'm just being a pest. thanks for putting up with my ever-fluctuating moods and my unorthodox ways. i appreciate your honesty and your trust. thanks for all the experiences and adventures that we've shared and i hope there will be more to come.

high of the day....the moment in which i realized that i have many true friends out there. low of the day....bidding farewell to a friend who's probably at the airport at this very moment waiting for his flight.

Friday, February 20, 2004

how do i overcome sadness?

someone asked me yesterday how i overcome sadness. some people turn to alcohol...some people turn to friends...some people turn to drugs. i guess i turn to myself. i'm not exactly a person who likes to tell people what's going on with me emotionally. i'd like to believe that i'm strong enough to overcome obstacles on my own. i know some people say that it helps if you talk to someone but i never really liked troubling people with what's on my mind unless it affects or involves that person directly as well. so the answer to the question is...i'd probably stay at home...veg out in front of the tv...smoke my ciggies and drown myself in my thoughts. i'd organise my thoughts...pinpoint the problem...and come up with a solution. i guess most people are more likely to run away from their problems rather than face them. but eventually...someday...somehow...if it's not ironed out it'll just come back and smack you right in the face.

i guess my friend was asking because he's having some relationship problems at the moment. well...in my opinion...i've learned that it's better to sort things out and put them behind you rather than to run away from it and try to ignore it. drowning yourself with beer or flying high will not solve the problem. it might help you forget it for awhile but eventually you'll come back to reality and realize that the problem is still there. if someone hurt you...it's best to try take a step back and try to look at the situation from a third persons point of view i suppose. sometimes when you are the one who's hurt you won't be able to see things clearly. i guess that's why people usually turn to friends for advice. but then again i am a non-believer in sharing my problems with people...but that's just me. i'd like to believe that i'm a good listener and that i would always be there for my friends and until someone tells me otherwise i'll just assume that i've never let anyone down as of yet.

on a brighter note...i've decided that i really need to sort my life out. i can't keep on doing what i'm doing right now. my daily routine goes something like this. wake up at 5pm...work at 6pm...come home...eat dinner...go out with my friends (usually it's to gamble)...come home...log online until 7am...read a book/do a crossword...sleep. repeat process and that's my entire week. it's become such a routine. i need to go out and fulfill my dreams. i want to travel...i want to see the world...i want to meet new people...i want to live free and to do all that i definitely need money. so within the next month or so i've decided that i have to make a choice. but before that...here's something to keep me motivated....a map of all the countries that i've visited... hopefully i'll be able to fill it up with a bit more red within the next 10 years.

create your own visited countries map
or check out these Google Hacks.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

assumptions are the mother of all fuckups

i recently had a very interesting session with a couple of friends. we were discussing the topic of relationships and also the difference between men and women. apparently...men seem to think they know us women very well. they know how we're going to react to certain situations...they know how we think...how we feel...how we interpret certain things. i don't even know what we're supposed to be like and they seem to think they have it all figured out. are we women supposed to be the same? are we supposed to think the same way or handle situations the same way? i thought we were all individuals regardless of ethinicity...social standing...upbringing...and gender. but turns out that there is such a thing as a stereotypical man and a stereotypical woman. this is what i've compiled from my years of listening to both sides argue their case.

men are stronger...physically and emotionally. they are less sensitive compared to women...and they tend to be less sympathetic. they are also not allowed to display any signs of weakness in public. they're egotistical and they're always afraid to lose. they believe that they know women inside out but pretend not to know and are always complaining about how women are such complicated creatures. they believe that they are smarter and more capable than women. they're hypocrites...they talk about compromise but in reality they don't even know what the word means. they're dishonest when it comes to matters of the heart but trustworthy with secrets. and they believe in cheating but not being cheated on. they say what's on their mind without thinking about the repercussions but that's ok because in that sense they are being honest. they talk about empathy but they don't practice it. men often give up more easily compared to women. they believe in less words and more actions hence they don't like to hear things like 'we need to talk'. they don't believe in changing themselves but would prefer it if the woman changes for them. they often hide jealousy so as to not come off as being insecure and they prefer to hide their troubles rather than to talk about them even though it would affect the relationship.

women are full of emotion and they're not afraid to show it or speak about it. they often interpret things the wrong way and most of the time they blow things out of proportion. they don't take things for what it is and often analyse things a bit too much. they often doubt the sincerity of men and will question his actions and words. women are also known to be hypocrites. they talk about compromise the same way men but the difference between men and women is that women know the meaning of compromise...they just prefer to have things their way. they're honest 9 out of 10 times but they're not trustworthy with secrets as women tend to gossip a whole lot more than men. they think that men are straight forward creatures but sometimes they're thrown off course when a man who's a non-conformist steps in. women more often than not do not believe in cheating and is not likely to tolerate being cheated on either. they say what's on their mind but before they do they analyse it first so as to not hurt the person they're speaking to. they're more empathatic compared to men and they believe in persevering and overcoming obstacles rather than giving up halfway. they believe in talking as a means of gaining trust and strengthening relationships. women believe in change but most of all it has to be mutual. women are very jealous creatures and are more often than not more insecure compared to men.

this is all just heresay. it's just thoughts and opinions i've gathered from all over the place over the years. personally i've never really believed in stereotyping men and women. i always believed that every person is different. i have come across some men who behave like a stereotypical women and vice versa. i have come across other weird individuals that do not fall in either category. i myself don't believe that i am anything like a stereotypical woman. i'm not saying it is wrong to have opinions....but i never liked to be judged based on a general conception. i have to admit that i have some opinions of my own but my opinions aren't usually general ones. my opinions are usually based on individuals. i don't like starting my sentences with things such as "you men are all the same".

but i guess these opinions are general ones and there are probably people who defy the general public. everyone is entitled to their opinions and i guess i am as well. but this is what i've learned over the years....men can be as paranoid as women and women can be as egotistical as men. what men believe women are isn't necessarily right and vice versa. they might just be projecting their shortcomings and paranoia towards others and by stereotyping they might just be creating excuses to justify each others negative traits. nobody is truly who they are most of the time cause most people just try to be accomadating and agreeable. but once again...who am i to know?

on a brighter note....tomorrow is thursday...the day before friday which means i'm one step closer to the weekend. high of the day...my afternoon nap. low of the day...screwing up the interview i had this morning.

Monday, February 16, 2004

i've been hit by a bus

everyday for the past 2 years...i wake up feeling like i've been hit by a bus. it probably has something to do with lack of sleep together with the fact that i can count with my 2 hands how many times i've slept before 6am. but as i look back at my life 2 years ago...and what it has become now...i realize that i've changed a lot. i'd like to say that i've changed into a better person but that would just mean i'm in denial.

my life seems to have no direction and i haven't accomplished anything over the past 2 years that i am proud of. i have become socially inept and i'm only giving 10% at work. i lost my best friend who meant everything to me and i also lost touch with my one passion in life....my music. i spend most of my time in the confines of my room...reading and doing nonsense like crossword puzzles and watching movies/tv shows. my room is a mess but i still refuse to clean it up and insist of living amongst half eaten boxes of pizza's and empty cans of coke. the disaster that is called my room also reflects the condition of my life...messy...disorganized and unsatisfied. sometimes i don't even know who i am anymore. i don't even know whether my emotions are of my own or whether my actions are governed by my own self.

does that mean i'm not happy? i wish i knew. i know there are certain changes that i need to make but under the current emotional circumstances i'm just not ready to move. i think i've grown too dependent on the things around me...my parents...my friends. i like knowing where to go when i need to get ciggarettes...i like knowing that i have a car if ever i need to go somewhere...i like knowing how to take alternative routes when stuck in a jam...i like knowing where to buy things that i need. everything here is so familiar to me. if that's called dependency then yes i am dependent...not only on the people around me but also my surroundings. i know it's time for me to start living on my own...i know i need to learn to depend on myself more than anyone else or anything else. but i'm afraid...

isn't fear the best excuse ever? i'm afraid to do so...so i won't. i'm afraid to change...i'm afraid that everything else around me will change. should i conquer my fear and venture out into the unknown? or should i stay where i am in hopes that things will fall into place? is it worth it? i wish i had the answers...i wish i could foresee my future. i wish someone could just make my decisions for me. certain things cannot be repaired...others take time and effort. should i stay and persevere?

this is my moment of weakness.

Saturday, February 14, 2004

happy valentines day?

it's official...my family is demented. got a valentines wish from my dad this morning...5am to be exact. maybe in kelantan it might be normal but i don't think parents are supposed to send valentines wishes to their children...via sms i might add. or am i just being a bit paranoid? i mean i've been his daughter for like 22 years and he's never sent me a valentines sms. if it was a yearly thing i guess it would seem pretty normal but after 22 years...wtf?

oh well...in the spirit of valentines...i shall write a bit about valentines...or the lack of it in my case. i've never really been an advocate of valentines. i always believed that it was just some sort of money making gimmick. prices go sky high...restaurants throw out their a la carte menu for a set menu and they charge way too much for a 6 course meal that i can cook myself for under 20 bucks...flowers become the in thing...and everything looks red or pink. even yahoo has some sort of pink valentine thing going on. everywhere i turn there are red hearts and gifts that say 'i love you'. my question is...why february 14th? shouldn't everyday be valentines day if two people are truly in love?

why do people just make valentines day an excuse to go for romantic dinners and buy flowers and gifts? it seems as if valentines day has become a chore rather than a day to reflect and celebrate. but then again...i reflect and celebrate everyday...but that's just me. i think people just get sucked into the whole valentines day mumbo jumbo because society expects them to. everyone is making reservations and buying gifts...so why should i be left out? if we don't fall in line then we're labelled 'sad' or 'unromantic' or 'insensitive'. couples actually do break up over such trivial stuff such as forgetting a 2 week anniversary or not getting the 'i just love those prada shoes' hint. i just don't get how people seem to think that weekly and monthly anniversaries..valentines day..are so important (no offence to my friends out there who do). if we're truly in love...shouldn't everyday be important...not just the holidays and the birthdays and the other mumbo jumbo's.

my last relationship...which happens to be the only meaningful relationship i was in...lasted almost 2 years. i didn't have an anniversary...and i literally mean i have no idea when the 'togetherness' actually happened...i didn't celebrate valentines day...and birthdays were just literally the day multiplied by the years that we were conceived. it didn't make the relationship less meaningful...it didn't make us insensitive..it didn't make us uncaring...it just meant that we were non-conformist. we didn't believe that we had an obligation to toe the line. and heck it saves us a whole lot of money as well.

but hey...sometimes i wonder whether the whole 'valentines day is crap' is just something we single people say as a defense mechanism (did i just say that out loud?). i don't exactly have anyone to celebrate valentines day with...nobody is buying my gifts...i have no man. am i just being bitter...or am i just being practical. but hey...i'm just a single person...what do i know about meaningful relationships...what do i know about love? and you know what else i think...i don't think i've scored any points be revealing my stand on valentines day and romance. you people reading this are probably thinking that i'm the saddest most pathetic person around. a year ago...i would probably agree with you...but now...i might actually consider myself as wise and practical.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

lost in.....

i was supposed to have an interview this morning...and for those of you who don't know me...i never do anything in the morning but sleep. luckily for me...i got a call at 9am and the interview has been postponed to tomorrow afternoon. didn't get a good sleep cause the house behind mine is under construction so the drilling was just intolerable. ended up tossing and turning for about 3-4 hours before finally falling into a premature slumber. i think i only got a grand total of 3 hours of decent sleep.

anyway...i've had to do a whole lot of thinking lately. mostly about my career path and what it is exactly i wanna do for the rest of my life. my parents are advocating the singapore job offer. i on the other hand do not fancy working in a fast paced environment where even the escalators go at top speed. the money sounds good...the opportunity sounds good...it's just the environment i'm afraid of. and hey...isn't fear a good excuse for not going?

oh well...this is what i've decided to do. since i have no idea what i wanna do in life...i'm just going to go with what sparks my interest. i've already tried the editorial thingey...and the education thingey...maybe it's time to move on to something else. and if that doesn't work out i can always try something else. i keep telling myself that i'm still young...that i still have years ahead of me to figure out where my passion lies. i don't believe in working because i have to. i believe that i must love my job. i wanna wake up in the morning and not try to figure out a way to get out of work. i wanna go to work with a smile. i wanna be able to enjoy my work and feel satisfied and fulfilled about it.

it's funny how someone mentioned to me today that most of my friends should be graduating soon and i've already been working for about 4 years. sometimes i feel left out. i didn't have the college/uni life that i always wanted. massive amounts of assignments...multiple choice questions...presentations...group studies...mid terms...finals...blah blah. i missed out on what most people today would tell me was the 'best times of their lives'. maybe someday i'll find the courage to go back to studying...but until then...i guess i have to live with myself.

Friday, February 06, 2004

why did i let andrew bully me?

it seems as if the only thing to do nowadays is to gamble. even with the chinese new year celebrations at an end i still find myself drawn to it. for instance...today is saturday (technically) but to me it's still friday night cause i haven't slept yet. it's already 8am and i just returned home from a round of mahjong and a weird experience at a mamak. i have work tomorrow (technically today but i'm still on friday time) but i still insisted on staying out late and gambling my entire night and morning away. i did win money...quite a lot of it considering i only played mahjong for about 4 hours or so.

anyway...we were on the way back from yum chaing and someone mentioned that we wouldn't be able to sleep later cause our minds will still be focusing on the events that happened...i.e our weird mamak experience and the whole mahjong session. now that i think about it...it's absolutely right. i'm sitting here wondering why i let andrew bully me into losing that one round of mahjong or why i didn't win that round where andrew threw the 'eight' that i needed. it doesn't matter to me but i still think about it anyway. oh well...i guess my entire life revolves around my friends and gambling...hence the only thoughts i have are those about my friends and gambling.

i came to a realization today. my future boyfriend (if i ever have one) will have to tolerate my excessive gambling habits. i see my friends girlfriends advising them not to gamble...i hear about people who do not permit their partners to gamble...i hear of people who have broke up because of it and then i start to wonder about myself. i like the thrill of it...i like the strategy involved in games such as mahjong...chor and gin. i don't mind losing...i definitely don't mind winning. it's a form of entertainment to me just like going to the movies. it passes the time...i get to bond with my friends...i get to laugh and have fun. but i know a whole lot of people who discourage the hobby. i know it's a bad habit...but it's not exactly one i want to kick. i don't want to have a boyfriend who tells me to smoking...i don't want a boyfriend who tells me to stop gambling or drinking. i want someone who accepts me for the delinquent i am. but then i suppose there is a limit to these kinda things. if it eventually affects the relationship then i suppose i would have to slow it down a little.

i know i know...i'm a hypocrit. i wouldn't want a partner who drinks excessive amounts of alcohol and shoots up as well. we all have this tendency to nag on anothers faults rather than to concentrate on our own. that's the root of most arguments don't ya think? so i guess at some point or another we would have to (let's all say it together)...'COMPROMISE'. wouldn't it all be better if we just accepted each other as is...with faults and defects. oh well...that's not the way things work i suppose. but if any of you do know someone who's tall....handsome...has an iq above 130 and would tolerate a gambler...give me a call.

Monday, February 02, 2004

love is....

recently, someone asked me to complete the sentence 'love is....'. i felt like i was in high school all over again where they always asked us to complete an essay with the opening...'once upon a time...there was a boy'. usually i'd have ideas running through my head immediately. the boy was actually a girl...the boy was trapped in the body of a girl....blah blah. but this time...i was stumped. am i supposed to know what love is? who can honestly tell me they know what love is? i don't even know whether i've been in love...i don't even want to assume that any of the people i know are in love.

we've seen it in movies....we've read it in books. love is supposed to be great. there are butterflies...a weightless sensation...or no sensation at all....you'd do anything for the one you love...walk a thousand miles...climb every mountain...cross any river/sea/lake/pond. it's the sun...the moon...the sky. almost every movie and every book defines love in the same way. it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. so when asked to define love in words i am speechless. not only because i don't know how to but also because i don't know whether i have ever been in love.

to me...love is just a word. something that we all use to describe an emotion. each individual has different opinions. some of us might view love as the ultimate emotion. some of us might view it as the reason for living. some of us might say it's non existent. sometimes i wonder whether we've all been pulled into the 'love' express. after thousands and thousands of years we've all somehow been programmed to believe that love is the reason for living. it's become something we search for...something we live for...something that we would give up everything for. i know many people question the idea of love and but eventually they end up as deluded as the rest of the people who've caught the 'love bug'. it's like a disease i tell you!!!! it's dangerous. it clouds judgement...it causes pain...it causes attachment....it's confusing...mind altering...and sometimes infectious.

who am i to know? maybe i just haven't fallen in love yet. maybe i've been hurt one too many times which would explain my bitterness. maybe i've just grown cynical in my old age. but here's my attempt at completing the sentence anyway.

love is a word. a four letter one. it consists of two vowels and two consonants. as to what the word represents...i am as confused as the next person. the word does exist...but i have yet to determine whether the emotion exists. and just like aliens...i won't believe it until i see it. in this case...i won't believe it until i feel it.

that's more like seven or eight sentences but who cares. i love to punctuate. and here's to punctuation....love?!?!!??