Saturday, February 21, 2004
conversations in my head/ode to my friends
since this blog is entitled 'confessions of a dangerous mind' i shall make my first confession. i had a discussion with a friend recently about the above mentioned. i used to think i had a few loose screws in my head but now i think i'm not that mental after all. i've been having some trouble making some major decisions lately and honestly i'm nowhere near making a choice. so what i do is i have conversations with myself....in my head. i'd ask myself questions...and i'd answer them. it's just as if i'm talking to someone else. and i'd run the questions over and over again and i'll end up doing the 'what if' scenarios. but i realize that eventually it'll get me nowhere...i only get more confused because there's more to think about...more realizations that i have to take into account...i have to figure out whether my actions will have any major repercussions and how it will affect the people surrounding me as well. most of all...i have to try to figure out how it will affect me but i guess i will never know until i decide. everyone around me is telling me to go...they believe that it is a good opportunity and that the change of environment might do me some good. i believe it is as well...but this is my home. it's the only place i know...my family and friends are here...i'm familiar with it...i've never been anywhere else for more than a month. once again...i'm scared...oh well...no point repeating myself over and over again.anyway...met up with a friend that i haven't seen in 3 months today. he brought up a very good point....i'm married to my friends. the reason why i don't see him often is because i'm too busy with my 'everyday friends'. yes i have them all in categories. there's the 'everyday friends' which i hang out with most often. this bunch of friends are the people i see and talk to almost everyday for the past 6 years or so (except for the time where i mysteriously disappeared for about a year). we have so much history together and we share many experiences and adventures. there's the 'once in awhile friends' who i still keep in touch with via phone/email/sms but rarely see. there's the 'half past six friends' and those are the ones i see more often than the 'once in awhile friends' but i don't know them as well...or should i say i never really bothered to get to know them. i know it's not nice to categorize friends based on the different levels of friendship but i'm not a nice person anyway.
i guess there are certain friends i have that i know will stay with me for a long long time to come. those that will be there for me regardless of what happens in the future or happened in the past. and although i don't confide in them cause i'm just not that kinda person...they will know when i'm up or when i'm down...they will support my decisions and stand by me...and they know that they can count on me too if they ever need me. my 'once in awhile friends' are mostly people whom i've known for a long time but just that we've drifted apart due to different interests...work...or studying abroad. we still keep in contact and we still know what's going on because we do have mutual friends and we can count on each other as well but there will always be a barrier. the 'half past six friends' are just people that are around...people that i don't really care about or i don't really notice but they're just there. it's not that i hate them or that i have some negative feelings towards them...it's just that i never really bothered to get to know them.
i guess that's why i am labelled as antisocial. it's not easy to get a person like me to talk to a stranger. it's not easy for a person like me to get to know someone. first of all...the person must attract my attention by using his intelligence/intellect/wit. i don't like boring people and for me...if a person can't hold a decent conversation it would be the end of the conversation. it's no surprise that i come off as bitchy or stuck up....i've been told that many times. i have to be able to click with someone to cultivate a friendship. there has to be a level of understanding and there definitely as to be some common interest....not a lot but at least some. but it's been said that we can't choose our friends...our friends choose us. we might want someone to be our friend but it's a matter of whether the other person reciprocates that determines whether we really become friends. and with my kind of attitude...it's no wonder that i don't have many friends and that i only stick to the ones that i have. but i have to admit that there are certain people that i'd like to have kept in touch with but didn't...probably because i messed up somewhere along the way. i do piss people off quite often with my erm...slightly skewed beliefs and my very direct opinions.
but i love my friends...we're a very eclectic group. you guys are the reason why it's so hard for me to decide whether i should stay or go. but heck....eventually i have to make a choice and i guess i have to be mature enough to do what's best for me. i wish i could have the best of both worlds. you guys must be reading this and wondering what category you fall into. this post was supposed to be about the conversations i have in my head but i think i sidetracked somewhere and it became an 'ode to my friends'. so if you're wondering what kind of conversation i'm having in my head right now...here's the gist of it...
to all my friends out there...thank you for being there for me and understanding me. i know i am bitchy and obnoxious all the time and sometimes it can be humourous but most of the time i know i'm just being a pest. thanks for putting up with my ever-fluctuating moods and my unorthodox ways. i appreciate your honesty and your trust. thanks for all the experiences and adventures that we've shared and i hope there will be more to come.
high of the day....the moment in which i realized that i have many true friends out there. low of the day....bidding farewell to a friend who's probably at the airport at this very moment waiting for his flight.
feefs, 2:15 PM
