Thought Of The Day: that's the funny thing about romance. if you had to ask for it, it takes away all the romance.

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Monday, February 16, 2004

i've been hit by a bus

everyday for the past 2 years...i wake up feeling like i've been hit by a bus. it probably has something to do with lack of sleep together with the fact that i can count with my 2 hands how many times i've slept before 6am. but as i look back at my life 2 years ago...and what it has become now...i realize that i've changed a lot. i'd like to say that i've changed into a better person but that would just mean i'm in denial.

my life seems to have no direction and i haven't accomplished anything over the past 2 years that i am proud of. i have become socially inept and i'm only giving 10% at work. i lost my best friend who meant everything to me and i also lost touch with my one passion in life....my music. i spend most of my time in the confines of my room...reading and doing nonsense like crossword puzzles and watching movies/tv shows. my room is a mess but i still refuse to clean it up and insist of living amongst half eaten boxes of pizza's and empty cans of coke. the disaster that is called my room also reflects the condition of my life...messy...disorganized and unsatisfied. sometimes i don't even know who i am anymore. i don't even know whether my emotions are of my own or whether my actions are governed by my own self.

does that mean i'm not happy? i wish i knew. i know there are certain changes that i need to make but under the current emotional circumstances i'm just not ready to move. i think i've grown too dependent on the things around me...my parents...my friends. i like knowing where to go when i need to get ciggarettes...i like knowing that i have a car if ever i need to go somewhere...i like knowing how to take alternative routes when stuck in a jam...i like knowing where to buy things that i need. everything here is so familiar to me. if that's called dependency then yes i am dependent...not only on the people around me but also my surroundings. i know it's time for me to start living on my own...i know i need to learn to depend on myself more than anyone else or anything else. but i'm afraid...

isn't fear the best excuse ever? i'm afraid to do so...so i won't. i'm afraid to change...i'm afraid that everything else around me will change. should i conquer my fear and venture out into the unknown? or should i stay where i am in hopes that things will fall into place? is it worth it? i wish i had the answers...i wish i could foresee my future. i wish someone could just make my decisions for me. certain things cannot be repaired...others take time and effort. should i stay and persevere?

this is my moment of weakness.