Saturday, March 06, 2004
let's get personal
i keep thinking that tomorrow is monday...i guess it's because i've had quite an eventful weekend. i managed to catch harith iskandar at actors studio on friday night. he was doing a stand up show and it was absolutely hilarious. it's not so much the things he said that tickled me but more of his expressions and antics that made me roll over. the opening act was done by a relatively new comer to the theatre scene...rizal van geyzel. he's only 20 (according to him but i don't know how credible artistes are when it comes to revealing their age) and he's already opening for harith. i have to admit that he did quite a good job....he had me choking a couple of times. he was only on for about 10 mins but i'm pretty sure that i'd be rolling on the floor if he had the whole show to himself. not that harith was bad but this guy was different. anyway...they will be ending their run tomorrow afternoon so if any of you guys actually read this....let alone read this before 2pm...go catch it. i doubt there'll be any seats left but it's worth the try.since the topic of my blog is 'let's get personal'...here's the first of what will be many attempts of revealing who i 'think' i truly am.
anyway....my days seem to be getting shorter and shorter. i guess when you have things to occupy you time just seems to slip by. my mind has been filled with many thoughts...mostly about singapore. as the days pass by and my audition date draws near i keep thinking about it. i still don't know whether it's a good idea or not...but heck i've got nothing to lose by going for the audition. i actually gain a short holiday (if i just keep telling myself that it would make things easier). haven't been to singapore in more than a year...i doubt it's changed much but i have to see it to believe it. anyway...i guess i've decided to 'wing' it...take it as it comes and make my decisions when everything is more or less confirmed.
i have a friend who's having some relationship trouble lately. and it seems as if it was only yesterday that i was in sort of a similar situation. but then as i look back i realize that it's already been 2 years. anyway...he was asking for advice and stuff and being my usual self i try not to say too much because i suck at giving advice when it comes to relationship problems. and i don't want to be the one who just keeps chanting the words 'look at the silver lining' or 'things will get better in time' cause heck i curse those people who kept trying to drill it into me when i was having trouble. all i could say was 'it's easier said than done' and it's definitely true. but eventually it has to be done...somewhere somehow...and like some famous person once said...better sooner than later. no matter how much i hated to hear those encouraging words....i knew that they were right. eventually i'd have to pick myself up and move on. ooh...and i hate it when people say 'time will heal'. there are certain things that can heal in time and certain things that can't. if i stubbed my toe it definitely will heal in time...but there is no 100% guarantee that emotional wounds will. i haven't fully recovered from my horrendous experience...and it's been 2 years. but like i said...regardless of whether i fully recover or not...i still have to move on.
anyway....here's another shocker. my friend told me that i seem like the kinda person who lives by the day. someone who doesn't commit...someone who doesn't place expectations....someone who doesn't plan the future. well...i have to say that i am all that to a certain extent. my motto used to be 'don't expect anything so you won't be disappointed when you don't get anything'. i guess my motto hasn't changed much over the years...i still try my best not to expect anything...not from my friends...my family...God...or the world. i don't think the world owes me anything and i definitely don't believe that God owes me anything.
anyway...i have to admit that i was stunned. i never thought of myself as a person who lived by the day...i didn't think my friends thought of me that way either. so it got me to thinking....what changed me? i used to have dreams...although i can barely remember what they were anymore. i used to know what i wanted in life and i had plans for the future. but all of that is lost now. circumstances have changed....or should i say...i've grown up. it's very apparent that as children we were carefree. there was no need to worry about where our next meal was coming from or how the bills will be paid. we had dreams...most of which seemed pretty logical and obtainable at that moment. i remember very clearly that i wanted to be an astronaut when i was 12. little did i know that malaysia did not have a space agency and that i would have to be fluent in physics and mathematics and all that crap that has to do with numbers and equations. my mom implanted the ideals of falling in love....getting married and having kids. as a girl who hasn't even hit puberty i bought the whole lot of it. so i dreamed...i imagined the years to come and how i'd meet the perfect man and fall in love and the whole works.
what our parents didn't tell us was that sometimes things don't work out. i guess they figured that we'll learn it on our own. we'll have to face trials and tribulations along the way and we'll have to learn how to recover from them on our own. somewhere along the way...i turned into a cynic i suppose. i'm too young to be cynical...shouldn't i be able to dream and be optimistic in my youth? i definitely threw the whole astronaut idea out the window...and i managed to stop believing in love as well. so i ended up living my life day by day...not expecting anything from anyone...not expecting God to repay me for the hurt he's caused in the past...not expecting the world to go down with me.
then someone asked me....how do you do it? i don't really know actually...somewhere along this road called life i guess i turned a corner and ended up here. not many people end up where i am. i know a whole lot of people who are still searching for that one person.....hoping and waiting to fall in love. all i did was to just give up the whole idea that he exists. why would i do that? because there is no certainty that he does exist. there is no black and white document that states that i will meet a man and fall in love and that it will last forever. does that mean i will never fall in love? hell no! it just means that i don't expect to but if it does happen...then i'll let it happen. does that mean i'm emotionally detached? i have no idea....i could be. what's the point of living if there's no love? the hope that there might be in the future. my beliefs have changed over the years...i'm sure they'll change again in a couple of years and who knows...maybe they would be more optimistic beliefs.
so what's it like to live by the day? i guess it's my way of surviving. not knowing what's going to happen tomorrow (with the exception of work) makes tomorrow more interesting. it keeps me going...it keeps me on my toes. there's always hope that tomorrow might be a better day. isn't hope similar to expectation? and what happens if it's not? there's always the next day...and the day after that...and the day after that....
movies that i've watched in the past 2 days
- thirteen
- along came polly
- L.I.E
high of the day: seeing all my friends together at dinner
low of the day: waking up from my premature slumber and having to go to work looking alive
feefs, 2:18 PM
