Wednesday, March 03, 2004
white secrets?
'i'm going to tell you something but you must promise not to tell a single soul'. i've heard those words so many times. i was fresh out of high school and i started hanging out with a new bunch of people. new faces...new places...everything was new. i hardly saw my old friends anymore and it was never because i never wanted to see them or talk to them...we just drifted apart i suppose. anyway...with this new bunch of friends...i developed a bond that until now i still cherish. we shared many experiences together...many secrets...many adventures....at least that's what i thought.now as i look back i realize that i never shared any secrets with them. they would tell me things about their families...their friends...their own personal self...their dreams...their fantasies...their emotions....everything. and i'd be the shoulder to cry on or the listening ear. i would try my best not to judge and not to upset them with my opinions...unless that's what they wanted me to do. and as always...i would keep those secrets to myself. i know i know...most of you who know me would say that i'm a gossip monger. one who talks about everything and anything. well...as hard as it may be for you guys to comprehend...there are certain things that i just don't talk about. there's a line between the things that i tell and the things that i don't. i talk about general things such as who's going out with who or who hates who but i never talk about people's emotions or their dreams....i never talk about a person's 'self' or what he/she confessed (ok maybe i did spill a few bits here and there once upon a time).
anyway...it got me to thinking....i personally don't share my emotions with others. if you've been following my blog...you'd probably know that i don't even know how i feel or what it feels like to have emotions anymore. to me...emotions are just words now. i don't even know who i am anymore. people always ask me things...they respect me...they understand me. over the years...i've gained a reputation of being a strong person...and independent one...a person who gets up when i've fallen. that's what it seems like from the outside...that's how i want it to seem like. i don't want to trouble people with my problems...i don't even want people to know whether there is a problem or not. i can't appear to be weak...i can't appear to be unable to handle my own problems.
but i realized something today....just because i confide in someone doesn't mean i can't handle my own problems. i don't think the people who confide in me are weak....i just think that they are looking for someone to listen...someone to hear them out and guide them....someone to knock them in the head and shake them back into reality. i want to be able to talk to my friends about myself. honestly...i don't think they'll be interested to hear about me cause i lead such an uneventful life....but at least they'll know who i am...how i feel. they'll know what happened to me on the way to work today....they'll know who said those nasty things about me....they'll know who i love or who i hate. well...they probably think they already know that but i must say...i can be deceiving. i'm a great pretender...i can act happy when i'm not...agreeable when i disagree...brutally honest when i want to or ice cold whenever i feel bitchy.
but then again...i have many friends...and i know they'll hear me out if need be. right now...i have no qualms...i have nothing to say...no emotions to spill out...and no intention of imposing on them. if and when i do...will i tell? i don't think so...but i think i should stop pretending that i'm carefree and untainted. is it right for me to keep my so called white secrets? well...sometimes i feel bad...i feel as if i'm lying to my friends about how i really feel or who i really am....but other times...i think it's for the best. why bother others with my trivial problems when it is so apparent that there are people out there with much bigger troubles? someone once told me that if i want to be close to a person i have to stop keeping secrets from them. we'll see....when the time comes.
high of the day: domino's beef pepperoni and cheese
low of the day: the passion of the christ
feefs, 2:43 PM
