Sunday, July 25, 2004
ishimaru ayumi?
My japanese name is ?? Ishimaru (round stone) ? Ayumi (walk, deeper meaning: walk your own way).
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that's if i had a japanese name. but fortunately i'm not japanese cause if i were i would've had a tough time in school. kids would pick on me and call me names. but then again...it wouldn't have been much difference. i would've been picked on regardless of which continent i'm from. my parents have a twisted sense of humor when it comes to naming kids. it's like they hated us when we were born and wanted us to have a bad childhood. oh well...i turned out pretty ok. i just hope my brothers and half siblings will rise above too.
i've been doing a lot of reflection lately. it must be all the free time i have in the bus. so today's topic was mistakes and regrets...two of which kinda go together. i have made some mistakes that i don't regret because if i didn't make those mistakes i wouldn't know what not to do. there are mistakes that i wished i never made. things that could've been prevented...things that i just did to make myself happy regardless of how it would affect the people around me...vice versa. there are certain things in my life that i would like to do differently. decisions that have been made cannot be undone...time cannot be erased. sometimes...we think we're doing the right thing...the logical and rational thing. we make decisions based on the 'now' and not the 'later on'.
i know i tend to focus on the day instead of the years to come. i'm more preoccupied with getting through today that i don't think about how my actions will affect my future. and once the decision has been made there is no turning back. it's not something that can be undone...not something that i can take back. fortunately for me...i'm the only person suffering the consequences of my actions and i truly am glad that the burden is on me alone. sometimes i wish that there was someone else around who feels the same pain as i do...the same regret. isn't it unfair for me to be the only one who's suffering? but eventually i realize that i wouldn't want to wish my fate upon anyone else.
i do regret what i did. if i could do it all over again...i would've approached the situation differently and changed my course of action. but i can't. the only thing i can do is endure and carry it with me for the rest of my life. am i stronger because of it? i wish i could say for sure that i was and that i've come out of it unscathed but i think that part comes after i accept and recover. that isn't going to be anytime soon.
feefs, 4:14 PM
