Thursday, August 05, 2004
great expectations
someone once told me that i had great expectations. i wondered what he meant. was it that i had great expectations for myself or that i had great expectations for others? so i pondered for awhile and eventually abandoned trying to figure out what he meant by it. today...my colleague told me that i should lower my expectations for my students. the word expectations triggered something in me. so i spent the rest of the day wondering what these people mean by my expectations.i don't think i have very high expectations for myself. i don't foresee myself becoming rich in the future and even if i did it probably wouldn't even be my own money. i wouldn't have chose teaching as a career if i wanted to make big bucks. i don't expect anything out of myself except to be who i want to be regardless of what others might think and to do the best i can in whatever i do. i'm a live by the day kind of person so i don't really expect anything from myself...i just do what the day expects of me. i don't run around trying to fulfill all the things that a 23 year old should have at that age. but i do believe that i have done more than is expected of me...and i've gone further than most 23 year olds have. but that's only cause i started young...not because i have the drive to beat everyone to the punch line.
then i started thinking about my expectations for others. in terms of work i do expect my students to be hardworking...attentive...well behaved and passionate. but i also do know that some students might not have all those traits so i give and take. i learn how to adapt to the behaviour of each individual student and i also accept their shortcomings if there is any. i try to encourage and support and i'm usually less of a teacher/role model and more of a friend. but since my colleague brought it up i think there must be room for improvement. sometimes my patience just wears a little thin and i have my moments.
i've also been told that i turn a cold shoulder to people who don't fit the bill. i'd like to think that i'm the kind of person who can just make friends with anybody but i'd be in denial if i do. i have to admit that it takes a certain kind of person to be able to click with me. but then i realize that people just want to talk....not to be best friends or to confide. but in the end...when it comes to keeping friends and making close ones...i definitely do have to draw the line somewhere. i value my friends very highly and i'm careful in selecting my close friends. reason being that close friends are supposed to be people that you can trust...people that you can connect with....people that you can rely on and vice versa. so in the end...do i choose my friends? i believe i do. do i hold them with high expectations...maybe...but i'm only expectating in return what i extend to them.
one thing that i always expect from relationships/friendships is that we always be appreciative. this is where i start to contradict myself. i always thought that we should never expect anything from our friends let alone a boyfriend/girlfriend. that way...when we receive we will appreciate. what ruins a relationship is expectations really. sometimes people let us down...i know i've disappointed many people in the past and many people have disappointed me as well. but when i put myself in their shoes...i realize that they did what they did because they felt it was right just as how i do certain things that piss people off because i feel it's right.
i once had a friend who was always there for me. who would always come running to my aid if i ever needed any. we were best friends....or at least he was my best friend. so in time...i started getting used to the fact that he'd be there if ever i need help or a listening ear. i took all that for granted and eventually i just expected him to fulfill all that without questioning. one day he disappeared. i was on my own again....left to tend to my wounds alone...left to battle my problems alone...left to dissect my own thoughts alone. and i realized that i took all that for granted...all the time and effort that he spent licking my wounds and filling up empty space. i got so used to it that i always thought things would be like that. i think that ruined the friendship somewhat. when i started expecting things it put pressure on the friendship.
so here's what i learned. it's not right for me to brush people off and minus coolness points because someone disappointed me. the right thing for me to do is to put myself in their shoes and try and figure out why. it's also not right for me to hold such expectations because in the end...nobody owes me anything. similarly...i don't owe them anything. i only owe it to myself to be a good friend to them and hopefully...they'll extend the same.
feefs, 10:45 AM
