Thought Of The Day: that's the funny thing about romance. if you had to ask for it, it takes away all the romance.

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Saturday, July 31, 2004

sometimes i wonder why i came here in the first place. i used to think that it was because of the opportunities...the adventure...the experience of it all. other times i think it's just something i did out of spontanaeity. i signed those papers without thinking of the consequences. all i was thinking was "hey...great...big money...new place!!". so i'm sitting here in my empty 5 by 5 room listening to sarah mclachlan and i'm thinking....

things haven't been great ever since i moved here. things weren't exactly great before i moved here either. there are certain things in my life that i'm satisfied with. i have a good job and unlike many people i actually enjoy my job...i make good money...i have great friends. but there are certain things that are just hanging by a thread. my family is definitely a question mark and it's always been a question mark for sometime now. somehow i just feel unsatisfied....like something is missing...something is just not clicking. i don't exactly know what it is....i can't exactly pinpoint it. it's been bugging me for awhile now and i thought moving here would change something.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i can run away from things....geographically...emotionally...physically. but when i'm alone...listening to the sound of silence...the real world comes back. all the things that i ran away from just creeps back in and it comes back ten folds. it's not this place that's making things bad....i guess it's the tremendous amount of alone time i have here that makes things clearer. i get to reflect...to recollect...and to reconsider. unfortunately...i can't reconsider moving here...i've got another 21 month road ahead of me. we all make mistakes...i guess i made mine big time. in the meantime...i'll just make the best out of it. bottomline....you can run away....you can try to hide...it'll be a different place...a difference face...but the same sadness...the same loneliness will always be creeping in.

oh well....i'm going to try and make the best out of my week and head down to the city tomorrow night to watch mardi gras. it's a stage show about 'gay pride'. at least it takes me out of this little box i call a room for a few hours :)