Thursday, August 26, 2004
14 years?
14 years to get together with the person that i'm meant to be with and only a 49% chance of us staying together? if he was my soulmate then why just the measly 49%? so i'm really doomed to grow up alone and spend the rest of my life like one of those cat ladies you see on tv who have nothing and nobody but the stray cats that loaf around the house. that's if i even have a house to myself. oh well..what's the worst that could happen? i'd choke to death on a furball?
a friend of mine is in singapore for a few days. actually she arrived yesterday and is leaving tomorrow. so naturally we went shopping today. i actually expected myself to just tag along and not purchase anything except for maybe one or two minor items but i ended up spending almost 300 dollars. bought a couple of things for myself and a present for a friend whose birthday is coming up *wink*. it was nice though. it's not often that i get to walk around town with a friend. yes i am a loser in singapore...i'm a loser back in KL too but i'm a bigger loser here. so anyway...she's leaving tomorrow so i guess that'll be the end of my "having a friend in singapore" fantasy.
i noticed that the topic of being single has cropped up many times over the past few months. people have constantly been asking me questions about my lack of relationships. try as hard as they might...i don't think they will ever be able to dissect me. but that's not because i'm complicated...it's probably cause i'm not very forthcoming when answering their questions. i tend to hide a lot and most of what i say and do contradicts everything else that i say and do. i know this might sound bitchy and antisocial of me but i like it when people just can't figure me out. i don't like it when they know too much cause that would increase the chances of lies and secrets changing hands. either way...people are starting to talk about my prolonged singlehood. why am i single? i don't know really...maybe i just haven't met someone that i'm remotely interested in. maybe it's because i'm 300 miles from home. maybe it's because i like being single. maybe it's because i'm a total bitch and i repel anyone who comes near me. maybe it's because i've put on so much weight i now look like the marshmallow man. lotsa maybe's...still no real answer.
has i gone past my 'being single' expiry date? i never knew there was an expiry date on being single. i can imagine people whispering "ooh...she must be a terrible person cause nobody wants her. you know she's been single for more than 2 years?" some people might be offended by those words. i on the other hand...will not let it affect me. i'm not the kind of person who would take offense...unless you're insulting my parents. wait...i insult my own parents...so heck...i guess i don't take offense at anything. i might seem like i'm offended but i'm really just teasing.
anyway...that got me to wondering...why is it that some people just can't live with the idea of being alone? i actually like living alone. i have all the time and space to do everything that i want to do and that includes my secret single behaviour. there are a few things that i like to do by myself...when i'm all alone so no one can bear witness. yes there are definitely times when i wish that i have someone around to just watch movies with...go to the theatre with or hang out with but that's as far as it goes. is it because they need assurance? they need someone there to make them feel good about themselves...to feel more secure...to reassure them that they're worth something?
attached people generally look at single people as rejected merchandise. something must be wrong with us single people...that's why we're single. are we the new freaks? sometimes i wonder whether they are the freaks. i know couples who are in it for love and i truly respect them and support them. there are others who are just in it because they can't stand the idea of being alone. because they're afraid that if they don't jump at this chance...they might not have another one in the future. i'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than to spend the rest of my life settling for mediocre. i'm a high achiever...i blame my parents.
anyway...that's just my thoughts. but in the end...i guess it's a matter of what makes us happy. each individual has a different threshold. maybe some people just don't have my kind of high expectations which makes it easier for them to settle. then again...who am i to say that they're settling. who am i to say anything for that matter? i have only one pair of shoes...my own.
feefs, 7:26 AM
